Information

Many children are faced with the experience of the death of someone close to them whilst they are still young. For some, it is the death of a pet, a grandparent or possibly someone within their class in school, but for others it may be the death of someone in their immediate family, such as a sibling or a parent. Children can often have different responses and feelings to the death of someone close to them. Like adults they may feel or demonstrate a range of feelings that can include the following:

Denial

For many children, their initial response to the death of someone close to them may be of denial – “it does not feel real”, “it feels like a dream”, “it cannot be happening”, “it is not my parent who has died”. Denial and feeling numb can often be the body's way of initially dealing with the experience, so that a person has time to assimilate their feelings and experience.

Sadness

This may be the feeling that is most commonplace in discussions with children, when we talk about how they are feeling after bereavement.

Anger and 'Acting Out'

Children may express feelings of anger about feeling abandoned, and about the parent not being there when they grow older and for special occasions such as weddings. They may feel angry towards the surviving parent especially if they are not told correct information or are excluded from important rituals such as the funerals and goodbyes. Sometimes children may feel angry as they worry life will never be the same and they will not be happy again.

Guilt, Shame and Self Reproach

Children, especially very young children, may worry that their behaviour has caused the person to die, e.g. that because they were angry, mummy died. Therefore, they may feel guilty for their behaviour or for subsequent feelings and emotions. They may perceive themselves as being ‘naughty’ or bad or having not done something to save their parent.  Children need to have reassurance that they did not cause someone's death.

Anxiety and Worry

As a result of their experience of having someone close to them dying, children may naturally show worry and anxiety that someone else close to them will die. They might worry about forgetting the person who died what they looked like or sounded like, so may feel that they need to re-tell the story or events over and over again or need reassurance that they will not forget. They may worry about their own mortality and that they too are going to die one day.

Children may also show many other feelings and physical reactions in relation to their bereavement and these lists are neither definitive nor conclusive but include the following:

Physical Reactions and Responses

The following reactions should be considered in understanding how a child grieves through behaviour indicators:

• Displaying physical and verbal aggression
  Children may use naughty behaviour and/or have tantrums when they shout and scream. Adolescents may demonstrate their behaviour through mood swings, which may be either frequent and/or unpredictable in their outbursts, as they deal with a wide of range of varying and intense emotions.
• Regressive behaviour
  Regressive behaviour is not exclusive to bereavement, as often when a child is struggling with a change in their environment and situation that they do not feel comfortable with, they may revert to earlier forms of behaviour.
• Sleep patterns
  Children's sleep patterns may alter as a result of bereavement.
• Physical manifestations
  Bereavement and mourning can be a physically exhausting experience for adults and children alike, particularly if the experience has been protracted or especially traumatic. Children may complain of physical ailments as a response to the emotional pain they are experiencing. They may complain of headaches or tummy aches or may try to explain how they are feeling as being like a sore head or a sore tummy.

  
Points to Remember

• Children of all ages are able to grieve.
• Children of all ages may need to be reminded that nothing that they did or did not do caused someone to die. They need reassurance that it was not their fault, they are not that powerful and sometimes things happen for reasons that cannot be explained.
• Irrespective of age, it is generally better to involve children in what is happening earlier on when someone is ill, so that they can begin to understanding and come to terms with what is happening.
• It is important to use appropriate language and be honest and consistent with explanations.
• Children may ask you detailed and complex questions about illness and death. Before giving an answer, it is always helpful to find out what the child knows first. It is OK to say that you do not know the answer but will find out and let them know. Do not lie or make up an answer.
• Children may find it difficult to sustain long periods of being sad in the same way adults do and may, instead, dip in and out of the experience.